28 August 2007

House Resolution 1: A Defining of Terms

First, I would like to applaud distinguished gentleman from South Carolina for bringing up a topic that has much need for debate. All men would agree that there should be some form of rules, mores, etc. when dating, otherwise mankind would degenerate into concupiscent beasts made most infamous by German schiesty films, hipsters at MisShapes, and the 2005 Minnesota Vikings. Wearing leather suits, rocking eye make-up/lipstick, and using a double-sided dildo in full view of your teammates is no way to go through life, son(s)!

But I think it’s important to distinguished between what noted man philosopher Ice-T characterized as the only three women that a man needs: his wife, his mistress, and his ho’. If you meet a girl who might potentially be your wife, rules should apply. The same essentially goes with a mistress. However the ho’ deserves no such accommodations. I’ve dealt with these chicken-headed strumpets for quite some time, and the truth of it is that they want you to treat them badly. The nicer you are, the less they like you, and the more you treat them like crap, they either (a) like you more or (b) get so offended that they leave you entirely. The latter has never happened. The only rules that should apply to the man trying to bed one are...

1. Wear a rubber
2. Never pay for anything/pay only for alcohol
3. Seek immediate and ultimate self-gratification with no regard for anything else
4. Seriously dude, wear a fucking rubber.

We need to define our terms. I move that the title of HR 1 “To ordain and establish the requisite waiting period to have sex with a new significant other” should be struck, and changed to “To ordain and establish the requisite waiting period to have sex with a potential wife and/or mistress.”

From there we can continue this debate.

INTERNAL NOTE: Will the kind speaker of this house place this movement in a field that is appropriate if it is not already so.

House Resolution 1: Waiting Period for Sexy Time in a New Relationship

House o' Dudes

1st Session

H. R. 1

To ordain and establish the requsite waiting period to have sex with a new significant other.


AUGUST 28, 2007

Mr. MONDAY MORNING PUNTER of South Carolina introduces the following bill; which was referred to the Esteemed forthwith


To allocate and identify proper passage of time for hitting that ass.

Be it enacted by the House o' Dudes of the United States of America assembled,


This Act may be cited as the 'Sexy Time Act of 2007'.


The waiting period shall be considered expired when any of the following occur:

(a) Thirty (30) days from the first (1st) date,
(b) Sum of all dating and relationship expenditures exceeds $300 US dollars (USD)
(c) the Conclusion of the mutual watching of a second feature film with an 'R' rating or greater.


This ACT shall be debated and/or amended during House business, with the House Vote For Passage to transpire 31 AUGUST 2007 at 12 PM.

26 August 2007

Passport Necessary?

Hindi? Punjabi? I'm not sure.

That's Spanish, I know that.

It's a linguist's paradise.

Disheveled children running about. Dirty faces and hands.

Lot of camouflage hats. And shorts.

Not a lot of smiling faces.

Beginning to regret making this trek to the third world.

In the future, I'll drive the extra few miles to Target.

Walmart scares the hell out of me.

Sage Advice

I trust you'll show this to every woman you know, because it's about time they were told again.

25 August 2007

Shades Of My Dong

I've always wondered what a blog would look like if it was the same color as my cock.

The look of this thing will be in flux for a while, until we can get the graphics hosted. Thanks for...nothing.

A Saturday In August

Mid-day and the Florida sun is scorching earth and flesh. Too hot to go outside. Air conditioning is the only refuge. A cold Blue Moon with an orange slice. A box of tissue. Lotion. An old Dallas Cowboys tee shirt. A DVD and a big screen HDTV.

August Saturday afternoons before the start of college football season are all the same, aren't they?

Who the fuck are you people?

I haven't slept in 40 hours, an d I'm so zonked out on Red Bull and Vodka and some pill some midget gave me I can't even feel my cock.

Visions of a dark future.

I Am Drunk

I met some people from work tonight at the bar. I am so smashed right now. I called all my KSK boys and then went to my office and then drove home. Is that bad?

Yes. Yes, it is.

24 August 2007



I have no clue if anyone will ever read this, but I got this invite from MMP earlier tonight. I don't have a clue if this is gonna be a real blog or what, but we'll find out, I guess.


Is there ever an appropriate time to get nasty with a woman? Don't you, in some way, have to come out and say, "Baby, I wanna fuck you good tonight." These are the things I want to know.